Lorelei F
So in these two blogs I am trying to paint the picture of what addiction might look like if it shows up in your life. And I have made the point that it can look a whole lot of different ways, and most of them are not the stereotypical way that we ‘think’ addiction looks. And this, my friends is what will get you in trouble.
One of my readers recently made the point that addictions, all addictions, are enough to drive a sane person quite nearly mad. One of the things that causes this is the atmosphere of lies. This is especially true when you are not expecting it- or when the person you love does not look addicted, and is not naturally a lying kind of person. When you meet with these lies, and incongruities, you begin to question your very sanity. Now sometimes the addict literally does not remember what you remember because he or she was high or drunk at the time- but she will try to cover up her doubt and place the blame on you. In my personal experience, my husband Dave could tell me the sky was green. But he did it with such believability, such assurance, and such ease that you might soon find me looking at the sky thinking “By golly, that sky may just be green today”.
One recurring trait of an alcoholic is a self assurance that literally repels doubt. As time goes on this self assurance often becomes arrogance, and a common AA term is that alcoholics are actually egomaniacs with an inferiority complex. My husband epitomized this saying. He was always 100% sure that he was right in all things. But if you knew him really well you could see, there was not a lot of self-love there. Now on the flip side we who love addicts tend to have equally low self-esteem. Life experience has generally created us to be malleable, tending to doubt ourselves, and more than willing to put our faith in someone else. This was generally how it was with Dave and I, so when he said his own version of ‘the sky is green’ my first thought as I looked up was always and inevitably “I must be crazy.” So if you find yourself in a relationship that looks like these two polar opposites co-existing in doubt (We’ll call them the self-centered and the selfless)-and if it seems like insane things are being said, argued, and justified- and if you question your own sanity inside of all of this. You may be living in an addictive relationship. In Alanon it is said that we, the spouses of alcoholics, are addicted to ‘mind altering, mood-changing men’… or women.
So addicts lie, or they simply don’t remember what they said in some alcoholic or drug induced blackout. But they are supremely adept at making others think that they are the crazy ones. Addicts will also cheat, steal, threaten, intimidate, dominate and even use physical force. But when they have pushed you to their limit, they will throw out the hook and bait that will reel you back in. Now keep in mind when I say addicts, I am speaking of the sickness of addiction, and not of the native nature of the human being under the drug. This nature is generally good, and often supremely so- but when 10 trillion cells are addicted, the good person you love does not show up very often.
But at any rate there is a high level of manipulation in addiction- and addicts will use every trick in the book to get you to stay when you are ready to leave. There will be sweet words, gifts, tears, loving gestures, remonstrances, and any other means to tug at your heart strings. And all of these are quite believable, and most likely heart-felt by the addict- who truly does love us, I believe. So whenever I was near a breaking point, the tenderness that came out of my ex-husband was palpable. So another sign of an addiction being present is that you may see a pattern of arguments and upsets that come to a near desperate breaking point. And they may be followed by loving sweetness that you almost can’t resist. Most addicts are not fully grown up, and most people who love them are quintessential caretakers. So with Dave and I the little boy or that I loved to take care of would also come to the forefront at this point of desperation, and I would always succumb.
There are other signs of addiction. I believe I spoke of addicts hiding their stash as it becomes a problem. At this point the craziness really begins. Dave used to swear he was not drinking. In those days I was beginning to see the signs- but there was no alcohol anywhere. Again I was thinking ‘I must be crazy.’ Until one day I went into the far corners of the garage and found 2 months worth of old bottles hidden under some tarp, and the junked up old college-sized refrigerator was being used for the fresh, cold supply of beer. Drug addicts will hide their pot, and put their prescription drugs into vitamin bottles, sex addicts will hide their porno-magazines and videos, gamblers will hide the house bills so you won’t know they are not being paid.
Addicts will go to all extremes to be sure no-one sees the amount of drugs, alcohol, or sex they are consuming. Dave used to drive 2 towns over to get his alcohol, and he would vary his suppliers. This is another sure sign of a problem. He didn’t even want the store owners to know how much he drank! Another thing he did was to only bring out half of his recycling. He wanted the can only half full so the garbage man would not know how much he drank! Now I never understood why he did this at the time. He didn’t tell me until years later. But it is something to look for. Is your loved one doing weird, inexplicable things around his drinking, drugs, or addictive behavior. If he is, then he knows he has a problem and is trying to cover it up.
And if he knows there’s a problem, then there’s a real problem. Because we loved ones, living in the confusion, the lies, the manipulation, and our own low self-esteems- are often the last to know. And if you think there may be addiction, but you can’t find the source, that doesn’t mean it’s not there. It just means that you can’t find it. And if you ever do find a stash hidden somewhere, you can be sure, there’s addiction at play.
But the biggest sign, and I do mean the biggest sign, bar none, of loving someone with an addiction is your own state of mind and behavior. It is a little known fact that
people who love addicts often act crazier than the addicts themselves. We are driven to the brink of insanity by the lies, manipulation, the questioning of self, and the constant play on our emotions. I remember one time with Dave getting into an argument over a submarine sandwich. This was the insanity of our lives. We could argue for an hour or more over a sandwich. So we were driving on the highway and I took the sandwich and flung it out the window, bag, napkin and all. Another time I nearly got out of a moving car myself. Another time I flung my engagement ring into the tall weeds, and once a patio chair went flying across the porch. All of this happened at my hands and I wasn’t even the drinker!
There were other crazy things I found myself doing. Jagged hour-long crying attacks on the bathroom floor, hiding in the shrubbery of my house for half an hour to get away from him, a panicked pacing of the floor for hours when he did not show up, locking myself in the bathroom with the shower running to drown him out. Fortunately my ex was a home-drinker, or you might also have seen me scouring the bars to find him. I did however contemplate the feasibility of veering the car into the guardrails, and I wondered how I could do that and not harm anyone else.
So your crazy behavior that is simply not how you know yourself to be, is the single biggest clue that you may have someone else’s addiction on your hands. And if you think you’re crazy, the question is, who or what is driving the car that got you there?
It’s probably some kind of addiction that has the wheel of that car, and the car is aimed straight for that guardrail- whether you know it or not.
Written by Second Hand Addiction specialist, writer, and spokesperson, Lorelei F.
www.secondhandaddiction.blogspot.com
